Infertility…
The title says it all, so if you're here just for cake, I’ll catch you for the next post. Let me introduce myself a little more, then we will get to the Big I and how that relates to our adoption story.
**Sorry it has been so long since my first post! We were in home study craziness mode and I am THRILLED to say
WE ARE HOME STUDY APPROVED!!!
Hi, my name is Aneli and from a tiny age, I have always had a nurturing instinct, for both adults and other children. I took care of baby dolls constantly, was obsessed with my little sisters, and had a saint of a bunny that was the sweetest creature on earth and literally let me dress her up in baby clothes and push her around in a baby stroller (under my mom’s supervision of course). I just love taking care of other people, and as I grew, my natural talent for taking care of children became more and more apparent. Parents in my neighborhood started asking me to sit for their kids, and soon I had a sweet little monopoly on the babysitting business in our subdivision.
My other passion is performing, and I ended up going to college to study performing and fell in love with opera. I was burned out at the end of college, lost in what my next step should be, and needed a break in a big way. Enter, my first nanny job. It was something I could do in the daytime while I went to rehearsals at night, and I loved it! One part time job led to a full time job. Soon, I had helped raise more newborns (and older kids too, but young babies are usually what I am hired to do) than many parents even dream of. I loved my job, and was a natural at it, along with helping people run their houses. I love being a stay at home mom AND getting paid for it.
It was kind of a given that I would have my own kids, and before I met my wife, I even considered doing it on my own because I was tired of waiting. When I met Aya, I was so glad I waited! Because being a mom was something I was always going to do, we talked about it early on and were both excited having children together someday! Just FYI—she cannot carry or do reciprocal IVF due to some medical concerns, which was just fine with me because I have always wanted to be pregnant.
We got married in March and by May we were sitting in our first appointment at our fertility doctor. We didn’t want to waste any time, and wanted to be sure that we had plenty of time to get pregnant if it took a while, and boy were we in for a surprise. At that appointment I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis and a huge fibroid in my uterus and I had a super painful HSG to further diagnose any issues. I was sent home with an order for blood work, and that is what changed the whole course of our story.
I had my AMH tests done (essentially a test that measures how many eggs you have left and their quality) A normal level for a woman in her late 20s-early 30s is 1.5-4.0, mine was a devastating 0.3!!! I had the same AMH as a typical woman in her 50’s. My doctor and nurse were hopeful though, reminding me you just needed one good egg. I was young and healthy and they told us to go ahead with IUI (intrauterine insemination) and see what happens. We excitingly chose a Filipino donor since my wife is from the Philippines. We thought about baby names, wondered what our baby would look like, poured over the baby pictures of our donor, and excitedly waited for our first IUI to be scheduled. Then our second. And so on. I have extremely regular cycles and one month I was 5 days late and absolutely sure I was pregnant. I peed on so many things it was basically my part time job. But, as with every month, it always became clear that once again I wasn’t pregnant.
I was tired of having things stuck inside my body every other day, I was tired of taking medicine, I was tired of crying or being angry for no reason, I was tired of literally flushing money down the toilet at the end of the cycle when my period started, I was just tired.
I called my nurse in tears after our final IUI failed, and she told me while we still were welcome to continue IUIs, and they did have success with some patients, she thought with my low AMH that the best bet would be IVF—to the tune of about $25-30K depending on my medicine plan and dosage. We were devastated. We had already spent about $10K at this point between the treatments, the extra ultrasounds and HSG, and the meds that I needed—not a single thing of all of this covered by my insurance.
All this was so hard. Didn’t I deserve to be a parent—especially after doing such an excellent job raising so many tiny humans? Was it too much for me to ask of the universe that I could have just one child that I get to bring home at the end of the day and not hand over to their actual parents? How was it that karma couldn’t come back to me for this after my years of doing good in children’s lives. I have always wanted to be pregnant and give birth and experience that empowering part of being a woman. After many, many, maaaany tearful conversations grieving my lack of having a baby the “easy way” we decided to pursue other options. We found a known donor and tried with him as well with the same result, same tears when the test was negative every time, same frustration at my body for not just doing what is was made to do. We were hoping for a huge family in a few years. That was not our destiny in life, and once we accepted that fact, things felt better.
To make this clear, adoption was NEVER our last resort, it was just something we thought would happen later rather than sooner.
How we arrived at adoption was easy. Aya’s brother is adopted and my mother grew up in the foster system when her parents both died when she was young. Adoption and foster care was always the eventual plan. We didn’t even seriously consider IVF as a choice because we had always planned for adoption eventually.
So that brings us here, to adoptionland and all the craziness that brings (a HUGE post for another day). Our journey has not been without drama, craziness, and many tears. We have struggled with a failed match that devastated us when it didn’t work out. However, we believe that our little one is still out there, we are sure of it. So here we are, madly in love with a child we have never even met.
In the meantime, cooking, waiting, and wishing…
See you next time for a food post! Here’s a teaser!
Until then, wishing you all a full heart and stomach!
